


How Kadeen Found Out About Anton

by cranialaccessory



Category: Knights-Errant (Webcomic)
Genre: Drinking & Talking, Gen, Humor, M/M, Smut, Stupidity, no seriously this is really stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-19
Updated: 2012-08-19
Packaged: 2017-11-12 11:52:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/490610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cranialaccessory/pseuds/cranialaccessory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kadeen had always known that Anton was ignorant. But this is above and beyond.<br/>In which Kadeen learns about Anton's proclivities, sexual tension is instigated, and much wine is consumed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Kadeen Found Out About Anton

**Author's Note:**

> This originated as a birthday present for Doyle, which explains the silliness? Not excuses, just explains.

Kadeen was not having the best day. He’d woken at sunrise to find Amir cheerfully rifling through his belongings, looking for a clean shirt, and had barely fended him off with obscenity and threats of violence. Then, Oz had put him on training duty, which meant supervising the newest recruits as they tried their damnedest to crossbow themselves in the eye. And worst of all, he had crossed paths with Anton at lunch. 

The man was no longer as openly hostile, his cheerful friend Beppe had tempered him somewhat, but he never missed an opportunity for a sneer or a cruel word. This afternoon, he had slammed into Kadeen’s healing chest with his shoulder, and hissed “catamite” at him, too quiet for Beppe to hear. Kadeen had burned with shame. Now, trudging back to his tent, all he wanted was for a quiet night in a soft bed. Even if he had to strangle Amir to get it. 

Mind miles away, Kadeen staggered through the flap of the tent. The first thing he realized was that the tent was not, in fact, his tent. The second thing was that Anton and Beppe were humping vigorously against one of the support beams. 

Without a sound, Kadeen slipped back out of the tent, and closed the flap behind him. Then he went to go find a nice, strong bottle of wine. 

 

Fortunately, Amir was able to oblige. 

“You know, this might not be all bad.” Amir said, hiccupping into his glass.

“You might think that, you weren’t there. You didn’t see it.” Kadeen buried his head in his arms. “It’s seared into my brain. Did you know that Anton makes little yelping noises, when he comes?” 

“Well, I do now.” Amir stuck out his tongue. “But there’s still an upside. In the business, we’d call this a perfect blackmail opportunity.”

Kadeen didn’t think it wise to ask what type of business, specifically, Amir was referring to. “Blackmail? That’s so dishonorba- disornab- evil. I love it!” Kadeen raised his head from the table, and reached for more wine. “As long as I don’t have to remember any of the details.”

Amir patted him on the head. “It’s a high price to pay, friend.”

 

Kadeen awoke the next morning nursing both a terrible hangover and a fierce sense of purpose. When Anton arrived, sans-posse, on the training grounds, Kadeen was glad to see him for the very first time.

“What is it, drowner?” Anton asked, hammering away on a training dummy with his sword.

“You don’t like me, do you Anton?” Kadeen asked.

“Well, no.” Anton said, not looking up from his swordwork. “I find your perversions and heathen faith distasteful.”

“Oh, you might want to lay off the insults for a while.” Kadeen said. It was a struggle not to grin. “Not unless you want me to tell the entire camp about your indiscretions.”

“I have no stains upon my honor. Speak plainly, moor.” Anton said, and set down his sword.

“How strange, because I saw you last night, Anton. Taking carnal knowledge of your friend Beppe. So unless you want me to tell the entire camp, you’d best…”

“Tell the entire camp. Why should I care?” Anton said with distaste.

Kadeen paused. Anton did not seem to be bluffing. “…Because I don’t think your friends would like it if they knew that their oh-so-pious leader is a secret sodomite.”

“Sodomite! I am no such thing!” Anton said, outraged.

“…Yes, you are.” Kadeen spoke slowly and enunciated each word. “I saw you. Fucking Beppe.”

“I know my scripture, heathen. Far better than you, I’d venture. It says in the book of Levi that ‘man shalt not lie with man, as with a woman.’”

“Yes, exactly.” Said Kadeen.

“Yes, exactly!” Said Anton. “Did you see either me or Beppe lying down anywhere? We did it standing, against a pole.”

Kadeen paused. He took a deep breath, started to speak, and paused again.

“You did it standing.”

“Yes.”

“And that makes it alright.”

“Yes, of course. Shows what you know.”

“By any chance, did your friend Beppe explain that to you?”

Anton hesitated, and frowned. “I can’t quite recall. He probably did. Why?”

“Oh, no reason.” Kadeen placed his hand over his mouth.

“Besides, it wouldn’t be like 'lying with a woman.'”

“And why is that, specifically?” Kadeen asked.

“Well, because.” Anton stumbled for words, and flushed. “Because Beppe and I were having sex in, in the anal fashion. And women do not have those.”

“Wait,” Kadeen said. “Wait. You think women. Don’t. Have. Anuses.”

“Of course they don’t!” Anton said. “They are purer than men, and have no need to excrete.”

“Oh my fucking god,” said Kadeen, and buried his head in his hands. “You were raised by monks, weren’t you.”

“Yes, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything!” Anton shouted, and Kadeen doubled over in laughter. 

“Stop that!” Anton yelped, he had blushed a deep purple. 

It took thirty seconds, many deep breaths, and a few sips from his canteen for Kadeen to get himself under control. Finally, he met Anton’s eye.

“Anton, let me assure you of two things. As a man with three sisters, women do have arseholes. And as a lifelong Catamite - ” He stepped up to Anton, bridging the distance between them. Anton stiffened, and jerked his head away, but Kadeen raised a hand to his neck and pulled him down to Kadeen’s level. Eyes wide with surprise, Anton froze as Kadeen whispered into his ear. “It doesn’t matter if you fuck standing up or lying down or on a horse in a virgin’s bedchambers. So long as you like it.” 

 

Anton jerked away from the smaller man back and pushed him back. “Get out of here, heathen.”

“With pleasure.”

 

Once again, Kadeen found himself spending the night with Amir and a bottle of wine.

“Well, I always knew that Anton was a simple man.” Amir said, examining the purple sheen of his wine. “But this would give simpletons a bad name.”

“You’d think it would be satisfying. But it’s not. Really not.” Kadeen said. A cold gust of air drew his attention to the front of the tent, where Beppe stood, hesitant.

“Come in!” Amir beckoned. “We were just talking about your dumb blond of a boyfriend.”

Beppe sat at the table, with a grin. “It has its advantages, you know.”

“What I wonder about is, how? How did you do it?” Kadeen poured Beppe a glass of wine. Beppe accepted it with a shy smile.

“It’s nothing, really.” Beppe said. “You want to hear something really impressive? I told him swallowing makes your hair shiny. Can’t get him to stop, now.”

Kadeen laughed as Amir raised his wine glass. “Gentlemen, I propose a toast. To Anton! Because there’s more than one way to be a fool.”

“To Anton!” Beppe raised his glass. “For that thing he can do with his tongue!”

“To Anton,” Kadeen added, lifting his glass to join the others. “The only man too stupid to blackmail.”


End file.
